The Power of Listening and Truly Being Heard

"Being listened to is so close to being loved that most people don't know the difference." ~David Augsburger


As it turns out, it's impossible to talk about how we tell our stories without talking about the power of listening and truly being heard.  This dawned on me this past Monday in my consultation group at the Couples Institute, as we discussed how important it is for couples to feel heard by one another, along with the dilemma that listening to one another involves skills that many of us just do not learn along the way.  Misunderstandings, disagreements and conflict happen for many reasons, with one main principle in common--that we are not truly listening.  So many things get in the way of listening--distractions, exhaustion, emotional overwhelm.  We want so deeply to convey our caring to one another, to share with each other our stories, dreams and fears, yet so often we fail.  So what are the essential skills that seem to elude us?

-Begin with a quiet space, bodies facing one another and eye contact--creating an attentive atmosphere.  Slow, deep breathing to feel more relaxed might be a good idea to help get into the right frame of mind.
-A caring, non-judgmental attitude is next.  Listening involves putting aside our own needs, desires and competing thoughts, and completely taking in what the other is saying.
-Noticing the feelings that accompany what is being said-how is my friend/partner/daughter/sister feeling while he/she is telling her story?
-Next and perhaps most importantly is reflecting.  It might seem strange to repeat or summarize what you have heard the other person say, but the satisfaction, comfort and connection that someone experiences when his or her words have been absorbed and deeply understood is staggering.  This involves simply reflecting back to the other person what you have heard them say, and checking in with them to make sure that you have it right.
-Finally, if you want to bring more depth to the listening experience, ask questions that help you understand better what the other person is saying.  Not necessarily questions related to what you want to know, but rather that help the other person tell his or her story.

We are not used to doing this kind of committed listening, and it will involve setting time aside and possibly at first feeling a bit awkward, but it will almost definitely be worth the effort.

The Power of Our Stories, Part I

Maya Angelou, one of my favorite writers, once said: "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."  I believe this, which is one reason that I became a therapist--there are few things more important or fascinating than someone's story.  Our stories are formed over time, simmering and bubbling beneath the surface like a rich, flavorful stew.  Stories, like any great stew, have many ingredients.  Our family attitudes and earliest experiences, our relationships, our work, our triumphs and our traumas.  Our stories guide us throughout our lives, informing how we do almost everything...from brushing our teeth to choosing a partner. Good therapy encourages us to tell our stories in a safe, supportive environment, offering us the opportunity to explore and understand them more deeply, to make sense of them and to see how they have influenced how we think, feel and act in everyday life.  

Have you ever taken the time to think about your story, or to tell it to someone else?  What stands out in your story?  What are the themes?
If you like to write, buying a journal (or just finding a notebook lying around that can be used as a journal) might help get you started.  Don't worry about doing it right--there is no right way to do it.  If you are worried about not knowing how to begin, here are some strategies to try:  

-Try asking yourself, what is my earliest memory?  Write as much as you can about the memory, just letting it flow, and seeing where it takes you.  

-Borrowing from the wisdom of Claude Steiner, who wrote Scripts People Live, ask yourself, "what movie most represents my life?" Once you have chosen the movie, write about how it relates to your life, again, just letting it flow.

-Finally, if you have tried this before and/or you are worried that everything you will write will be negative, pessimistic and will make you feel worse, try this.  Try writing your story (you can start with any past event that comes to mind) from a third person perspective, ie. he / she / Helena...  Research has been done in the area of positive psychology proving that when we recall past events or tell our stories in the third person, it helps to create some distance from the situations, allowing for new insights to emerge, and often new optimism.  

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.

-Marcel Proust

Part II, The Power of How We Tell Our Stories, coming soon...

Welcome to Emotional Crosstraining®...Doing the Work to Feel Better

The process of healing, growth and change can feel good and be tremendously rewarding, yet it often involves hard work. Much like training one’s body for a marathon--emotional awareness, strength and resilience can be developed through sustained attention to self-care, consistency and dedication to the process. This is sometimes surprising to people. It might even feel unfair or upsetting to realize that it will take concerted effort to make things different in your life. It is important to keep in mind that the more time, intention and commitment you are willing to put into the work of healing and growth, the more positive, fulfilling and lasting the results will be.


So what is this process of healing, growth and change?  It starts by identifying what is working in your life and what's not...which attitudes, which behaviors, which relationships.  It looks a little different for everyone.  For some it involves psychotherapy--sitting with a therapist (with whom you feel comfortable and can imagine having a good relationship) who can guide you in telling your story, help you to link past events to your present every day life and assist you in the development and application of new approaches and strategies to existing patterns and problems.


For some it's more about self help and discovery.  Listening to yourself and learning what feeds your mind, body and soul in a healthy way and pursuing those things.  Being in nature, practicing yoga and/or meditation, exploring your spirituality, playing sports, writing, painting, singing, dancing or acting.


For many of us, it is some combination of the two.  The most important question really is--what will your process of growth/healing/change be?  One way to find out is to brainstorm.  Make a list of everything you enjoy doing, and why you enjoy it.  It can be a list of 20, 50 or even 100 things.  Do you enjoy talking and crave another's input into your experience?  Maybe its time to connect with friends or family members with whom you can share what's going on for you--or to connect with your old therapist, or find a new one. Perhaps you like knitting because it feels peaceful and brings focus and creativity to your experience.  Perhaps you can imagine joining a sports team, offering you the opportunity to meet others with common interests outside for some physical exercise.  
Once you have your list, prioritize it.  What are the top ten things that you enjoy?  Are you pursuing those things presently?  If not, your opportunity to start begins now.  Just one new thing will do, it can be overwhelming to take on too much at once.  Start slowly, or go at the pace that feels right to you.  However you decide to begin, acknowledge that this is your process toward growth, healing and/or change and be open to investing time and effort in its pursuit.


"You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge."  ~Eckhart Tolle